Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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