His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
