while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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