What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
