last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
