he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
