She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
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