Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
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