I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
