I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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