____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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