I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
