I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
