I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
So vagazzling was a success
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
