As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Randomize
