If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
