You made me cry and you don't even care
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
