When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
