I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
