so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
