I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
