I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
