just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
