The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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