You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
