someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
