Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You're breaking my sexual little heart
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
