I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
