yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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