I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize