It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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