whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
