I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
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