dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
