I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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