My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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