The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
