umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
