I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
