you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
