last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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