why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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