I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Randomize
