i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Randomize
