I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
