so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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