Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
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