Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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