I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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