Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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