mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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