bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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