theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
