Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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