i permit you to call me
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
