I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
