did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
