are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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