glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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