I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
