I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
