my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
