New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Randomize
