He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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