whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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