Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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